Welcome to my world.

THE COOLEST MOVIE SIDEARMS OF ALL TIME

I had a friend ask me what I carry for personal security on the mean streets of LA.  I told him I always travel armed with 2 pythons named Thunder and Lightning.  Then he said if I didn't want to unleash the fists of fury what weapon would I carry to ensure that no one messed with me.  Good question... here are my thoughts:

5) Phase Plasma Rifle in the 40 Watt Range from the Terminator: when the T-800 armed himself, he requested the .45 Long Slide, with laser sighting, the Uzi 9mm and the PPR.  Had it been in stock, Sarah Connor would've been terminated.

4) Han Solo's Blaster: hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.  Light Sabers are awesome, but you can't wield one unless you have the Force, anyone can have a blaster.  Greedo should've know that.

3) The M-60 from First Blood: the machine gun that started it all: a bad-assed Green Beret walking around with a gun typically mounted on a tank or a helicopter slung over his shoulder laying waste to Sherriff Teasle's town.  They drew first blood.

2) The .44 Magnum Auto Mag from Sudden Impact: a magnum automag... it's like a magnum squared.  And if properly used, it can remove the fingerprints. 

1) Ol' Painless from Predator: if Rambo's M-60 started it, this gun finished it.  It became the de facto standard against which all other weapons were measured.  A 6-barrelled, 20mm cannon with an electric motor capable of firing close to 200 rounds per second.  Spewing fire and raining lead, this weapon is the one I would carry with me to ensure that no one... and I mean no one would mess with me.  The good thing is you really don't have to aim.

THE GREATEST POSTERS OF ALL TIME

It has been far too long since I posted a list so accept my apologies as I return with what is sure to be a contentious subject: the greatest posters of all time.  Some of you may wonder what qualifies me to judge this subject. If you could only see the wall of my childhood bedroom in Denver, Colorado, you would see that a blank wall is merely a canvas on which I strive to cover every inch.  In this shot alone you can see 2 masterpieces.  And my collection of hats.  In college, this theme persisted.  And even today, were you to see my beachfront pad, you would find the walls papered with posters (perhaps explaining my bachelor status... although, they are framed.  Therefore, they are art).

Anyway, on to the list.  When one judges the greatest posters of all time, you must consider their immediate visual impact, orginiality, and timelessness.  I am privileged to say that I have at one time or another, owned all of the greatest posters of all time (some might say I only selected from the ones I own, but that would be narrowminded pettiness).  Without further ado...

5) THE ICEMAN: for obvious reasons, this one just has to be on here.  One thing he could do... was finger roll.  I would've paid a small fortune in Lucky Charms to have that sweatsuit.

4) Dr. K: Long before the drugs and booze and the descent into oblivious, there was a flame throwing teenager who made the number 16 cool.  And he had the cojones to throw a change up in the poster (the ole pitchfork).  Nice.

3) PREDATOR: It was a tossup between this one, The Terminator and Commando, but, in the end, I had to go with my gut: "Nothing like it has ever been on earth before.  It came for the thrill of the hunt.  It picked the wrong man to hunt."  I'm in.

2) Dr. J: The best Sports Illustrted Poster of all time.  As a kid in the 80s, the SI posters with their trademark white borders were the go to collection.  I had Gary Carter, Rod Carew, Reggie Jackson and the 'Fro.

1) AIR JORDAN... the Original: This poster became the symbol for Air Jordan.  It is the greatest, most influential poster of all time.  Period.  So rare we have only this snippet... but it is enough.  It sells for $900 on eBay.  And it hangs above my bed in Colorado.  As it always will.

THE BEST CLASSIC ROCKING TUNES

I will preface this list with perhaps a great bit wisdom I culled from my local music store growing up: "There's no such thing as good or bad taste in something as intensely personal as music."  Having said that, if you don't like my list you're wrong.

These are songs that anytime I hear them, they get me pumped.  There the songs you'd have playing in the lockerroom before you wrestled Shute.  They have withstood the test of time and countless plays and replays.  Yes, the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin rock, but I really didn't listen to them in their prime so they're not on the list.  These songs came from bands that were a part of my youth while both of us were at the peak of our powers.

MORE THAN A FEELIN'-BOSTON: The first lines of this song sum up the point of this list: "I looked out this morning and the sun was gone, turned on some music to start my day.  I lost myself in a familiar song, I closed my eyes and I slipped away."  Really the best of the city bands (unless we're talking cheese, then Chicago with Jason Scheff is right there).

THE WHO-BABA O'REILLY: Some songs have memorable beginnings.  Some have an ending that is burned into your brain.  Rare indeed is the song that has both.  CSI:NY won the lottery with this as the theme song.  Sure, Who are You and Won't Get Fooled Again make sense for a criminal show, but who cares when a song is this good.  And remember, it's only teenage wasteland.

BACK IN BLACK-AC/DC: From what is arguably the single greatest rock album ever released, with the album art that inspired greatness in both Spinal Tap and Metallica.  I think 4 or 5 or even possibly 6 songs from this album could've made this list, but when you think AC/DC you think black.

VAN HALEN-WHY CAN'T THIS BE LOVE: I know purists still deny the existence of Van Haggar, but I love Sammy.  Synthesizers and all.  Perhaps it was the influential time in my life when 5150 came out. As a young high schooler long schooled in the way of the cheese (my masters were Neil and Johnny Denver), Van Haggar stood as a welcome bridge that would lead me to the virtues of rock and allowed me to exist in the school parking lot with my radio on.  It was an awkward time in my life, but this album helped me survive. 

POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME-DEF LEPPARD: I contend that this is the male equivalent of "I Will Survive": when it start to play I let out an involuntary squeal and run to the dancefloor.  "Do I take the sugar?  One lump or two?"  That is the question...

GUNS'N'ROSES: SWEET CHILD O' MINE: Do you choose this or Paradise City?  Or Jungle?  In the end, Slash's guitar riff at the beginning wins out.  Although, now that I live in Paradise City, man, that song is my anthem.  Alright, call it a draw.

SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT-NIRVANA: By all rights, I should hate the song as it singlehandedly drove the dagger through the heart of 80s hair metal (the true renaissance of rock), but the song rocked.  "A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido."  Still don't know what it means, but I can scream it at the top of my lungs whilst moshing.

WE WILL ROCK YOU-QUEEN: Who would've imagined that the greatest rock anthem of all time would be sung by a man who wouldn't leave footprints if he played hopscotch on fresh cement?  This song has been on every semi-rocking mixed tape, cd and mp3 list I have ever compiled.  And it had an awesome album cover.

The Greatest Nicknames of all Time

This is one sure to generate much discussion as everyone has their own system.  I am limiting this discussion to nicknames that actually supplanted their legal moniker.  Thus, while the Great One may be the coolest nickname of all time, nobody said, "Hey, Great, wanna Moosehead?"  And just to preept the obvious comments (as it was a formative force in my youth), #23 was never really called Air Jordan. Also, these are the nicknames of players I have watched so all the old school guys like Night Train or Crazy Legs are out.  Anyway, just some cool names:

Johnny Ballgame: Yes, I am biased.  But you earn this name because you show up to play everyday.  Especially when it counts.  I know we never really called him Ballgame to his face, but, dammit, that's Johnny Ballgame (with props to Ted Williams).

Magic: A name that has become synonymous with great basketball, good movies and Frappuccinos, a name that resurrected a league.

Dr. J: It's Dr. Chapstick to you.  Okay, that commercial nearly killed it, but the man had a PhD in Dunkology and the afro to prove it.

Muhammad Ali... Cassius Clay... the Greatest: any one of the three deserved to be here, but being known by all three?  Damn, that's cool.  His mamma call him Clay, I'ma call him Clay.

The Blaster: I don't know the blaster, I never met him, I only heard of the legend.  He was a student at some midwest college (I believe it was Kansas) and he earned the nickname after he ended 5 barfights in a row with a single punch.  He hit harder than Ivan Drago and no one messed with the Blaster. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Watching A Christmas Story last night (TNT aired it for 24 hours straight, god bless 'em) and got to the scene when Ralphie, all the presents opened, slumped on the couch with his parents.  Then his Dad pointed out one last gift, hidden next to the desk... the Red Ryder BB Gun (it really existed).  I turned it off at that point.  That was all I needed to see. But the scene got my mind going... what was the coolest Christmas gift I ever received???

5) VOLTRON: Before the Mighty Morphin' Flower Rangers ever existed, Voltron ruled my basement.  5 separate Lion crafts, each formidable in its own right... together they formed the Ultra-Robotic force known as Voltron.  He came with a power sword and his head was a spaceship as well.  Man, that thing was awesome.  I think his head is still floating around in the toy box at my parents' house.

4) THE RICOCHET RACER: Combine fast cars and high powered rifles-the two things kids really love-and you have one of the coolest toys of all time.  It came with 2 "bullet" cars that you'd feed into the breech loading rifle.  When you depress the trigger, it launched the car out at an equivalent scale speed of Mach 2.3 (estimated).  Even without the car, this rifle ruled.  With it, the #3 X-mas gift of all time.

3) EVEL KNIEVAL STUNT CYCLE: They don't make toys like this anymore.  When Evel Knieval was at the height of his Eveldom, you had a poseable figure with a gyro-stabilized cycle and the "Energizer" crank unit.  You'd pump that thing until sweat poured from your brow, then Evel rocketed forth and he could jump things and land.  It worked better than advertised.  The technology for this toy had to come from NASA.  It was nothing short of incredible.

2) MONGOOSE BMX BICYCLE:  Mine was black as midnight and fast as quicksilver and it could leap over a trashcan.  A trashcan on it's side.  With a decent sized ramp.  Christmas was over and my mom asked me to come up to the kitchen to help clean up.  After some requisite grumbling, I did.  And I found my Mom and brother standing next to my steed.  It was just like a Christmas Story.  They got me good.  I will never forget the first time I saw that bike.

1) ATARI 2600: The original gaming machine.  Without a doubt, the present that generated the most excitement... and the greatest disappointment: it didn't work.  We had to wait like 2 days to take it back to Target and get a replacement.  I think those were the longest 2 days of my life.  But so worth it.

The Coolest Game Music of all time

Playing GTA: San Andreas and listening to the 7 radio stations they have made me think of the music for games.  And then, I heard a tune in my head... from way in the past... THE COOLEST MUSIC I'VE EVER HEARD FOR ANY GAME ANY WHEERE.  And it's from 1982.  The game sucked, but some 20 years later, I still found myself banging out this music.  And I found it for you... Reactor by Gottlieb.  This is why the internet is great.  Enjoy.  There can be only one.

The Greatest Video Games of All Time!

I have performed extensive research over the last 2 decades and change on this topic so I am very excited to share the results. I decided to focus on home console games, we'll cover the arcade versions another time. I didn't try to choose a game for each console, but I think that it pretty much came out like that. Each console had it's stand outs and I tried to judge them against their contemporaries. The main basis was how completely a game dragged me into its world, replayability and general impact on the gaming world (emulators). I am still working on the exact order... for now, simply enjoy.

Adventure (Atari 2600): The game that started them all. You were but a simple square, yet you slayed dragons (okay, so they resembled duck-billed platypi) with your arrow in your quest for the chalice. And it had the first easter egg.

Baseball (Intellivision): "YER OUT!" The ability to control all 9 players with the touchpad made this game light years ahead of the competition. I had epic battles with Palmer Woodrow for the world's championship of the neighborhood. In fact, when Phatom Menace premiered, I bought an Intellivision and this game just so we could play all night and forget the horror that was that movie.

GoldenEye (N64): The best first person adventure ever. I still play it today. The James Bond theme is perfect for this genre and the execution was flawless with the definitive control scheme. And the sniper mode it sick.

Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (PS2): The scale of this game is awesome... I probably spent as much time playing this game as I ever did studying grammar. The story and the missions and the non-linear style of game play made this game truly great but the ability to roam across an entire city and interact with its citizens (and by interact I mean carjack or cap), to smash or purchase a building, to sit behind the wheel of parking lot of different cars, and to fly a helicopter (including an Apache attack chopper) all while listening to REO Speedwagon and the rest of the 80s classics put this game on another level. I "completed" this game almost 2 years ago and I still play, hopping on the PCJ-600 motorcycle or commandeering a tank just to cruise Vice City.

Legend of Zelda (Nintendo)/ Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N64): I paired these together because they are the definitive entries in the definitive series for fantasy adventure (wow, I sounded like a level 5 dork there). Zelda was the first adventure game that truly drew me in to the story and made me spend hours on end to save the princess. Ocarina of Time did it times 10. The quests, the time travel, the horse... I played this game during my internship and I am better able to recall the notes for Epona's song than the treatment for a myocardial infarction.

NHL Hockey (Sega Genesis): Madden for all the hype, focuses on playcalling, etc. Nothing can touch the hockey series for pure playing action. And the fights (SWINGERS) were legend. The best playing sports game of all time.

Castle Wolfenstein (Apple IIe): It's been 20 years and they are still creating new versons of this game today. It took the ultimate enemies (das Nazis), placed you in the belly of their castle and gave you the ability to move and shoot independently in 8 diffefrent directions and left you to escape. It even spoke in German... Halt. Auspice.

One on One: Bird vs. Dr. J (Apple IIe): EA sports first big hit. Break the back board on a dunk. Look sweet with 7 inches of 'fro.

Best TV Themes

This has without a doubt been the most difficult list I have ever compiled. TV has been such an important part of my life, to try to chose the best theme songs is like choosing your favorite child. But since I have no children...

Before I start, I should lay out my criteria as this topic is subject to many interpretations.
I) I had to like the show. No matter how good a song, if the show sucked (to me), the song would too by association. Thusly, goodbye Baretta. Despite the cockatoo and the ridiculously awesome lyrics "Don't go to bed with a price on your head... don't do it." I never liked the show so the theme is out.
II) Just hearing the first note had to make you want to drop everything and watch that show. In this sense, it's really "the best beginning to a show". Perhaps the best pure theme ever for a TV show is the Greatest American Hero, but if I hear it today, I don't pine for an episode of William Katt in his red tights and blonde afro, I just sing along like I did in 6th grade music class. Maybe this is a reflection of rule one, but the point is when you hear the song, your blood should get pumping to watch some televison.
III) It had to be cool in some way. Gilligan's Island, the Beverly Hillbillies, Brady Bunch, Love Boat, the Flintstones... all great, epic themes, but, in the end, just not cool enough.

10) WILD WILD WEST James Bond in the 1890s... the cartoon beginning with a cowboy taking a shot of whiskey, playing cards, shooting a man dead and kissing a woman then punching her was incredible. No better show to catch in the afternoon when you're supposed to be doing geometry homework.

9) HILL STREET BLUES Okay, maybe it's not cool, but this was a great show. And this was the first show that I remember being appointment television, sitting down with the whole family to watch. And it does set the tone for the show and proves the mastery of Mike Post.

8) BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY
I am a sucker for space shows, especially with babes like Erin Gray (okay, I'm biased as I did play lazer tag with her... true story). But the narration starts this theme off right... and who could forget Twiki and Dr. Theopolis? Okay, they sucked, but this was a good show and a great theme.

7) HARDCASTLE AND McCORMICK
"DRIVE... push it to the floor while the engine screams... DRIVE... driving like the demon that drives your dreams." This song rocks which is why it in utterly inexplicable that they replaced it in season 2 (with a song by Joey Scarbury of GAH fame). In fact, this show was really boderline, but the song is so good it's on here. And the car was cool.

6) WONDER WOMAN
All they had to do was show Lynda Carter in her bra and panties and they had me. But they did more. Much more. "In your satin tights, fighting for your rights, and the old red, white and blue." Genius. And patriotic.

5) THE INCREDIBLE HULK "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

4) MIAMI VICE No show was hotter in the late 80s and the music made the show starting with this Casiotronic theme. That and a Ferrari which proved to be a successful formula for a theme.

3) SUPERFRIENDS
With Judge Smalls narrating, this theme represented all that was great with Saturday mornings (especially before Zan and Jayna). It is so much better than the regular Friends theme.

2) MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL This song has defined football for over 20 years. The sacrilege that has been perpetrated by Hank Williams should bow at the altar that is the real MNF theme. Listen to it and hear Howard Cosell talking you home...

1)THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN Number one and it's not even close. I still get chills listening to this beginning. How many themes contribute so importantly to the lexicon of 6 year old boys (and me)? This theme absolutely defined the show and I defy anyone to listen to it and not want to watch Colonel Austin battle the Fembots (or Sasquatch). Six million dollars? I say it is worth every penny.

In fact, treat yourself to the video of SIX MILLION DOLLAR OPENING CREDITS

*And if they continue with their plan to make a Six Billion Dollar Man movie with Jim Carrey and give this tv show the "Starsky and Hutch" treatment, well... Jim Carrey will be dead to me. Don't mess with greatness.

Coolest Sound Effects

5) KITT: Not the voice (Dr. Mark Craig from St. Elsewhere), but the sound of the light on the front of the Trans Am... like a Cylon Transformer. This is just one cycle, but put it on repeat and think Hasselhoff.

4) Bionics: the sound that made a show. The sound that made us believe that we could battle the sasquatch. And hook up with a former tennis star/ skydiver.

3) Godzilla: the ultimate monster noise. When you hear it, you know Tokyo is about to get a beat down.

2) Light Saber: when you hear this sound, it's on. Makes you wish that you had the force.

1) THX: it revolutionized the movie-going experience. There is no better way to start a movie. And it would be the coolest doorbell ever. Without it, you might as well go see the movie on an ATM screen.

The Best Previews for the Worst Movies

5) Godzilla: as mad as a monster might be if you dropped an atomic bomb on his head, he would be so much more angry if he saw that you made him a her and put her in the pile of radioactive dung that is this movie with Inspector Gadget and the gay guy from Melrose Place. But the original preview with a old man on a dock fishing at the King of monsters breaks the surface had me pumped that a classic monster movie was soon to arrive (sorry, I can't find that trailer but there was a first teaser that attacked Jurassic Park and showed promise until the wacky tagline.) (For the record, wacky taglines are always bad.) But any trailer that has the Godzilla roar gets my vote (it is one of the coolest sounds of all time).

4) The Hulk: seeing the green in Eric Bana's eyes before the sink flies out of the house had me more pumped than Lou Ferrigno after a double-stack of dianabol. Then I saw the preview with Jose Canseco as the Hulk and I knew that this movie was going to make my angry. The finale with the mushroom cloud-sized Nick Nolte made me realize that he really needs to stop drinking. Jennifer Connelly can just keep on doing whatever she's doing, though. I kept thinking that with her green eyes, we were gonna have a she-hulk. Now that might've made the movie worth sitting through.

3) Moonlight Mile: Wow. I haven't walked out of a movie. Ever. Until I saw this movie. And I saw it on opening day because this preview was incredible: Dustin Hoffman, Susan Sarandon and Jake Gyllenhall all crying as Elton John's Someone Saved my Life Tonight plays... ooof, I won't lie, I got a little tear in the duct myself. There. It happened again when I watched the trailer one more time. A perfect example of tunes making the preview: the 1-2 combo of David Gray and EJ and you're done. Just like this horrific movie.
They didn't even play the damn songs in the movie, an unforgivable oversight also committed by the Fast and the Furious (Limp Bizkit's "My Way" rocks the preview then... not in the movie. So I had to sing it in the theater during the final chase scene... because if you have a song that MAKES the preview it is just as expected in the movie as the characters.)

2) Pearl Harbor (the Teaser): looked like this could be the greatest war movie of all time. Probably should've noticed something was amiss when the preview had no dialogue save for FDR's "...date which will live in infamy" speech. The real speech, not the one from the guy who played FDR in the movie (Angelina Jolie's dad). Still, I have the trailer soundtrack on my iPod and listen to it daily because that Hans Zimmer rocks. Again, the music made it. You can see how much more it sucked with different tunes and allowing dialogue here. The teaser is no longer available on the web, only on the DVD which would be the only reason to buy it because this movie made a 45 minute bombing scene absolutely boring and continued Cuba Gooding's descent from Oscar to his trash can. Watching Hartnett and Affleck adopt southern accents is the kind of treachery that Roosevelt swore to end.

1) Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace: since this movie never existed, I guess I can't really officially make this determination. Suffice it to say that when the internet was still just a few computers linked up to Al Gore's Commodore 64, I spent a day and a half downloading this 2.5 minutes so that I could watch it 162 times. It is the PERFECT preview. When you hear Vader's breathing over the text "Every saga has a beginning" you know they understood to blend the classic mythology of the Trilogy with tantalizing hints of the new spin. When you see Darth Maul wielding his double-bladed light saber you think "I can't wait to buy a double-bladed light saber" and wreck house on a village of Tusken raiders When the preview finishes, you have forgotten all about Toshi station and picking up power converters and you are ready to camp out for 12 parsecs to make sure you get in to the first showing. Still, there are hints that when this movie finally comes out it might not live up to the standards of the trailer: watching Samuel L. Jackson play Shaft, the Jedi (which also sounds like the title of some hot Tattoine porn) you see that the force may be powerful enough to destroy a planet but not to carry a movie this craptastic. Unqeustionably the greatest disappointment in movie history.