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Sex and the City SNEAK PEEK!!!

WARNING!!! People expressing their outrageous enthusiasm for this movie sometimes use adult language... you've been warned!

DUKES OF HAZZARD: 0.4/5 THXs

MUST LOVE DOGS: 1/5 THXs

I love a good romantic comedy.  I don't even mind going by myself on a Thursday night (more popcorn for me without some girl's grubby mitts digging in).  I mean, I really like the cheese and if you have the right tunes, well... you had me at Hello (or any other Lionel Richie tune).  I saw the preview and I knew I had to see this movie.  I like Diane Lane (alright... Under the Tuscan Sun wasn't even good as a plane watch [did you forget the happy ending clause?] but she's still great).  I love John Cusack (Lloyd Dobler, Lane Meyer and a few shared sets at Gold's Gym puts him very strongly in my good book).  And I like dogs (did I ever tell you about my dog Ruff?).

Anyway, the movie opens with an intervention for Lane (Diane not Meyer).  She's been divorced for 8 months and everyone in her big, happy family has brought over photos of guys she should meet because she's not "getting out there."  Cut to Cusack and his lawyer is delivering his final papers as well.  Okay, I see where you're going with this...

Then her sister creates an online profile for her and Cusack's buddy finds it.  It has her high school graduation picture on it.  Not like in the preview where they digitally changed it to a current pic because they couldn't advocate the false pretenses that riddle these internet sites (allegedly*). 

Anyway they meet and... ta-da... they have no chemistry.  None.  They made a romantic comedy and forgot the romantic part.  Okay, the kinda left out the comedy part, too, but if you have the romance you let things slide a bit.  But I just didn't really think they belonged together.

Then they throw in Dermot Mulroney (who maintains his title as the least charismatic person in Hollywood) as the "other suitor".  He and Lane have a night together and then he magically transform into a prick (and a very bland one at that).  They wake up in bed and he says "Hey, we gotta go.  I got a softball game."  Wow.

They even threw in the token musical interlude with Lane and her sisters belting out the Partridge Family theme song with Oatmeal Mulrooooney on the keyboard... ooof.  Nothing worse than people breaking into song in a way that's more artificial than the butter flavoring that I am still licking off my fingers.

Except for the artificial reunion at the end.  Lane finds out Cusack still likes her when her Dad quotes something about Halley's Comet to her that he randomly heard from a guy who had his heart broken by a woman he loved.  Lane recognizes the quote and realizes she still has a shot.  At this point I buried my head in the empty seat next to me because I was embarrassed for them.  A feeling which was only heightened when she commandeers a ride from a women's 8 person cox team that just happens to be rowing a 2 shell unit that conveniently has a platform on it where she can ride with her dog.  C'mon... just have her get on a JetSki or summon a mermaid or something more believeable than this.  Anyway she jumps into the water and the feelings of nausea heightened.  It tried so hard to have the climactic scene and I could only stare at the upholstery on the empty seat next to me and envy the person who didn't sit there because they didn't have to witness the awkwardness.  The end of the movie is the requisite couples talking into the camera a la When Harry Met Sally and, again, I've seen more chemistry in an Amish pie.

Stockard Channing looks terrifying.  Cusack and his lawyer buddy have great banter... best line watching Dr. Zhivago, "They need to remake this but with a happy ending and some nudity."  Yes, sir, that is how you do a remake.  Of course, the same could be said for this movie. But not of Stockard Channing.  She looks like Clint's pal from Every Which Way But Loose.

*for the record, I do need to state that I have taken part in internet dating.  Due to pending litigation, I am not allowed to catalog my experiences.

THE ARISTOCRATS: 1.5/5 THXs

As a stand-up comedian in the Entertainment Capital of the world, I had to see a movie about the greatest inside joke ever told amongst comics.  Especially since I'd never heard it.  Thanks.  Nice to know 6yrs in Hollywood and I discover the secret comedian handshake by paying $11.50 at the Arclight (man, they have the best popcorn).

Anyway, this movie is a documentary about a joke called "the Aristocrats."  It's a timeless joke that starts out "a guy goes to see a talent agent."  The teller then improvises the most vulgar description of events involving a father, a mother, a few kids, possibly a grandparent or 2, farm animals, countless inanimate objects, all manner of bodily fluids and acts that would make R. Kelly gag.  The joke ends with the talent agent saying, "What do you call yourselves?"  The Aristocrats.

The dcoumentary has some of the greatest names of comedy recounting their experience with the joke.  It really becomes somewhat of a treatise on the individuality of comedy and the importance of the teller.  George Carlin, Phyllis Diller, Robin Williams, Billy Connolly, Chris Rock, Eric Idle, Howie Mandel, Bob Saget, Carrot Top and many others all make appearances.  The problem is, I just didn't find it all that funny.  The joke itself is really only told about 4 or 5 times.  There are lots of laughs, but I felt like many were location jokes.  Of course, I might just be bitter that I never gained access to this Star Chamber.  The joke really came back into vogue when Gilbert Gottfried, who was bombing at the Hugh Hefner roast 3 weeks after 9/11, decided to really offend everyone by telling it.  He killed. 

The highlights for me were Kevin Pollak telling the joke as Christopher Walken... that Lt. Weinstein maybe won't stand on the wall with a gun but he can tell a joke.  Eric Mead told the joke with some sleight of hand card tricks that were simultaneously amazing and repulsive.  Even a mime did a very good job with the joke.  but the hands down winner was the South Park version .  THIS IS THE MOST VERBALLY VILE AND INAPPROPRIATE CLIP YOU WILL EVER DOWNLOAD SO DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU.

If you're really interested in comedy, check out the documentary Comedian with Jerry Seinfeld which, incidentally has what may be the funniest preview of all time.  It's a much better look behind the curtain at the life of a joke slinger (no, I wasn't in anyway involved with that project either).  Anyway, the Aristocrats definitely has some laughs, but I think it's true that a joke is like a lil puppy: you can't dissect it to see how it works without killing it. 

CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY: 2.5/5 THXs

The trend of remakes continues... the Longest Yard, Bad New Bears, Bewitched and now this classic.  I am always skeptical of remakes because if it was good, why mess with it?  And if it stunk, why bother remaking it?

But I have to admit that going in to this movie, I realized I hadn't seen the original in at least 15 years rendering my whole remake argument somewhat moot.  I just remember enjoying it as a kid and being extrememly creeped out (lil orange people and nasty children facing death by chocolate).  Seeing the preview for the current version featuring Johnny Depp with teeth that resembled the grill of a Mack truck certainly qualified as creepy.

This movie sucked me right in, watching Charlie Bucket (the kid who was so good in Finding Neverland) dream of finding one of the five Wonka tickets as the rest fell to Veruca, Violet, Augustus and Mike.  I liked the whole Bucket family especially Grandpa Joe's stories about working for Willie Wonka.

And Depp delivers again as W2.  He is funny and he is (and I know I am overusing this word) creepy without being off-putting.  The guy is on a hotstreak. 

But the movie bogged down at the point where it should've taken off... the introduction of the Oompa-Loompas.  These guys were the stuff of nightmares in the original with their fake'n'bake skin and haunting melodies.  Now, they've been replaced by a cloned race of cutesy Indians singing hip-hop.  Maybe they'd be creepy if I were 5, but they didn't seem quite as forboding.  Watching the other kids fall by the wayside just didn't seem as scary.  Again, I realize it's not fair to compare as I am almost an adult now watching this new version, but I think the Oompas should've been scarier.  Just my opinion.

If I had to choose, the original wins out.  As it usually does.  But Depp and his new lil buddy still make this worth watching.

THE ISLAND: 1.2/5 THXs

Take Logan's Run, add in the Matrix, and sprinkle in a lil bit of Dark City blend it all together and let sit for 2 hours while you watch another movie.  This movie had all the ingredients: Scarlett Johansson, Scarlett's lips, Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, and the king of the action flick Michael Bay.  Nobody shoots a popcorn movie better than him: Bad Boys, Armageddon and, my favorite, the Rock.  He is the king of the mindless action movie, but he does not do content particularly well (witness the bomb that was Pearl Harbor).  Having a comet hurtling toward the earth or VX gas pointed at a major metropolis rocks, but having man questioning the reason and morality of his existence is more than you can cover up with a lil butter.

The movie never figures out how to handle the weighty issue... bouncing between Bay's typical humorous, off-the-cuff action (which he just owns) and attempted darker scenes (not so much... other than one with MCDuncan).  I thought this movie would've been better served being darker and more bleak as it raises some cool issues regarding cloning.

Anyway, I am all about scifi and pushing the envelope.  I am very lenient in believing whatever world you create, all I ask is that you be consistent within that world.  And, for a movie invested iin science, there were some annoying logical gaps.

1) Michael Clark Duncan plays a running back for the NY Giants.  Huh?  He makes Ron Dane look like Michelle Kwan and he's supposed to be in the backfield?

2) [SPOILER] The whole reason that these people exist is to serve as organ donors for people outside.  Now the reason they aren't just kept sedated is that the "organs did better if they had emotions and human interactions."  Huh wha?  I will give you the cloning adults and the memory imprinting, but organs requiring emotions?  Just too lame a reason with too much possibility for things to go wrong.

3) They have maglev trains in the year 2050 yet the cars are Dodge Chargers.  Lazy.  And a cheap product placement (as were the X-box and Aquafina logos all over the place... but I did call my stock broker to invest).

4) Jordan 2 Delta and Lincoln 6 Echo manage to escape their pursuers by getting on a train to LA.  Their pursuers, in helicopters didn't meet them in LA at the train station.  Shrewd.

Overall, this movie should've been better.  Dang.  Well, there's always hope for the Rock II.

FANTASTIC FOUR: O.4/5 THXs

Peter Parker's Uncle Ben said it best, "With great power comes great responsibility."  So it is with a movie that has 4 classic superheroes and a superb teaser trailer... much is expected.  You are a Marvel Superhero movie following in the footsteps of X-Men and Spider Man so you are held to a different standard.  And this movie most definitely did not meet that standard.

The big problems:
1) Mr. Fantastic was a lukewarm bagamilk.  He's supposed to be the leader of the F4 and he came off as a spineless nerd.  I realize he's supposed to be a scientist but even Peter Parker knew how to turn it on (and why did the "smartest man in the world" blow every important calculation he had to make to the detriment of his friends?)  I just couldn't pull for the guy and certainly didn't see why Jessica Alba would fall for him (Captain Obvious is a much more natural fit).

2) The team wasn't a team.  Michael Chiklis is like 42.  Ioan Gruffudd runs around 32.  Alba is 24.  They were all supposed to be college buddies.  Huh?  This is a ridiculous statement to make, but I just never believed the friendships between them.  Especially when Dr. Doom turns the Thing against the rest of the team with a plate of pancakes.  That last statement is true. 

3) Go dark... this isn't a Saturday morning cartoon.  The best scene in any of the recent superhero movies is when Wolverine actually kills a soldier attacking the Xavier School for the Gifted.... he didn't render him unconscious, he impales him with his claws.  Dead.  And that rocked.  Both Wolverine and SpiderMan are tortured souls.  The Four just come off as petulant.

4) Julian McMahon.  Smarmy works in Nip/Tuck, not so much as a super villain.  In his defense, most cinematic "bad guys" have been forgettably campy (such as Devito's Penguin and Hackman's Lex Luthor).  I think the paradigms would have to be Magneto and General Kneel before Zod.  Dr. Doom is more along the lines of the Green Goblin: goofy mask and a cheesy laugh.

5) Fight for something.  The F4 had clumsy scenes where they "discover" their powers and then they spend most of the movie fighting amongst themselves.  Then Dr. Doom decides to get some revenge because his stock price fell. 

As for the positives, Chris Evans redeems himself for Cellular and proves he is a funny dude.  He was the most believeable one of the bunch.  And, of course, credit must go to Jessica Alba just for being her.  She really is gorgeous, but she also pulls off the scientist angle much more credibly than Denise Richards (one of the worst miscasts ever as Christmas Jones, nuclear physicist and Bond Girl).

I guess the main point here is that I really was expecting a great movie because they had all the elements with which to work.  After the recent streak of excellent superhero flicks (X-2, SpiderMan 2 and Batman Begins), this movie drinks the kryptonite Kool-Aid and forced me to throw the Incredibles in the old DVD player.

REBOUND: 1.1/5 THXs

A friend is a friend and nothing can change that.  And when that friend happens to be a member of the MoviePosse AND it's his birthday... well, when he chooses a movie, you go see that movie.  So it was that I saw Rebound with Martin Lawrence.

Mah-ihn stars as a star college hoops coach at the vaunted Ohio Polytech with 3 NCBA championships under his belt (yes, Ohio Polytech and NCBA along with crappy uniforms made me cringe, but it wasn't about college hoops so you just let it slide).  The coach has fallen on hard times because his ego and his temper are too big (we know this because we see clips from the Best Damn Sports Show to that effect... speaking of which, did you see my sketch on BDDSP?).  During a rant, he kicks a ball and kills the mascot of Ohio Polytech, so he is given a lifetime ban from the NCBA.  One catch, the rules state he gets one last chance to prove he can behave...  and the only place that'll take him is his old junior high.  Like I have said, I am willing to let a lot of stuff slide. 

The thing that I just couldn't understand is why Martin Lawrence wanted to do a movie about basketball when he displays absolutely zero basketball ability or knowledge? 
It's as baffling as passing off Adam Sandler as an ex-NFL quarterback in the Longest Yard.  I think Martin actually touches a basketball in only one scene (other than one scene where he swats a 12yr old's shots repeatedly... that was funny) and he never actually coaches them other than giving them pizza and having chicks around to inspire these adolescents.  The kids are great.  All of them.  They really are the stars because Martin is kind of lost between 2 worlds: he's at his best when he's crude and obnoxious, but, inexplicably, he tries to play the guy with the heart of gold in this movie.  Stick to the girl that brung ya and keep on being the a-hole.

The climax of the movie is the team reaching the junior high State Championship just as he's offered his old job back.  Of course, he turns down his college job to stay with the kids.  The only problem is that he was the jerk at the college level, not the players.  Ah well.  This movie would've been well below one star were it not for the final game and those goofy kids.  Anyway, in all honesty, I don't think my friend will get to pick the movie on his next birthday.

WAR OF THE WORLDS: 3/5 THXs

Tom Cruise is still a movie star.  As he descends down the road to sideshow freakery, his off-screen persona may soon overwhelm his ability to portray culturally iconic characters such as Lt. Col Pete "Maverick" Mitchell, Jerry Maguire, Joel Goodsen, Cole Trickle, Lt. Daniel Kaffee and the crazy guy in Taps.  But there were only a couple of times during this movie where I thought, "He's battling aliens right now.  Does he think they're the Thetans?  And is Katie Holmes being sacrificed to Zenu right now?"
Anyway, if you know the brothers Wells (HG and Orson... I know they're not really related), you know the plot of this movie: an advanced alien race decides they want our planet and they start kicking our ass to get it.
Cruise plays Ray Farrier, a divorced dockworker (with certain technological skills that are made obviously clear in the opening scene and then are never used again) and father of two (well, one because Dakota Fanning is actually like 45.  Seriously, she is so precocious I believe she is actually Yoda).  Anyway, a strange lightning storm hits and then the Aliens appear and start laying waste to humans and this is where the movie excels.
Few movies have done a better job of conveying the utter, hopeless terror you feel when the alien machines appear.  Granted, they still kind of resemble AT-ATs from Hoth, but I think Spielberg was paying homage to the original.  In fact, one of the main knocks on this movie is the logic holes through which you could pilot the Titanic.
   

     SPOLIER PARAGRAPH (if you haven't seen the movie DO NOT READ THIS.  And if you have, you really don't need to read it either... just skip ahead): First off, a superadvanced alien race capable of traveling on bolts of lightning has weapons that only allow them to kill one human at a time?  No WMD?  And they could only find the humans visually.  No night vision, no infrared heat sensors?  They need to open up trade with the planet of the Predators.  And the humans they killed were incinerated.  Yet, they supposedly need human blood to fertilize their next generation of aliens.  So why kill the very crop you've come to harvest?  And, of course, the ending... if you're so advanced, wouldn't you have sent some sentry droids or set up some systemic monitoring of the earth before committing your entire race to the planet?

    Okay, we're back.  I know I just spent a paragraph complaining about the logical gaps, but during the movie, I ended up ignoring them, not just because it was entertaining, but because I almost felt they were intentional.  That, despite some pretty good special effects, Spielberg wanted to have this slightly cheesy feel of the 1950s sci-fi movie.  And it worked. 
    The movie bogs down a bit in the second half when Cruise and Fanning shack up with Tim Robbins, a morbid survivalist whose lost his grip on reality. 
    But the movie created a bleak hopelessness for the entire human race that I have rarely seen in any sci-fi movie, let alone one by Spielberg (Schindler's List and Saving Private Ryan don't count as they didn't have aliens). 
    One last thing, as much as I love happy endings (and I love them like a macaroni loves cheese), this movie proves there is such a thing as too happy of an ending.  I mean... well, just see the movie and you'll know what I mean.